The Linkedin Arms

If Linkedin was a pub it would be a pretty surreal place. Imagine arriving with a couple of friends, standing at the bar, and ordering 3 pints of Hells. The conversation would be light-hearted, work-related, mostly; maybe you’ve just done a product release or finished a hard project, taking some time out — looking after yourself.

Then without introduction or warning, you would be interrupted by a stranger criticizing something in the conversation, maybe the need for software estimating, “No-estimates” says the tattoo on his arm. Or if SAFe was agile, there would be a brief debate, it may even turn into an argument. Sometimes these discussions would involve hundreds of strangers all grouped up in their tribes, wearing names and job titles on their T-Shirts. Contractors would be lone wolves, as rare and endangered as their metaphorical counterpart, wandering through the groups, occasionally selling roses.

At regular times in the day and night, people would shout out achievements at the top of their voices only to be inundated with thumb, clap, and heart badges, each one tipped with the endorphins of Amazonian frogs.

The networks wouldn't work as well in the pub, people would need to move fast to achieve the same efficacy as their digital counterparts. You would need to run from group to group stopping only to give an elevator ptich, exchange cards, and photos as to remember each other the next time you pass by. And to see if you may have any information that would be beneficial to share.

The biggest kick-off would be between the Project Managers and the Scrum Masters, we wouldn't see any psychological safety here, the two tribes would go to war. Both would be drunk, the PMs on Peroni and the SMs on Sauvignon Blanc. As their arguments rage on, the battle of complexity, the Engineers down the road in The Stack Overflow listen on from afar wondering why strangers are arguing over who sits with who and how they drink their Craft Beer\Designer Gin&Tonic\Monster\Huel.

And as the world turns on its axis different nationalities would come and go, some of these traveling so far that their impermanence would never achieve parity with the friendships forged online, the best they can do is post up information about the work they do and leave their calling card or a story for when acquaintances pass by. From time to time you’ll feel a note slipped into your back pocket, only to find it’s a photocopy and all your friends have one too; the culprit wearing a Recruiter T-Shirt, under Benefits the note reads “free fruit in the bar down the road”.

Companies would be there, telling people what they do — humbly celebrating their better than the otherness, getting drunk with the rest of the crowd, and seeing if on the way home you wanted a kebab and a job. The last group, the studious types have edged themselves over to the quiet booth, far away from the trouble - they sit there drinking the Lidl Chianti they snuck in, writing and swapping the tricks of their trades, essays, blogs, quotes, and aphorisms passed around in gilded notebooks.

Finally, for the bravest amongst them, there’s the equivalent of a sports bar big screen, where those eager to shine can share videos in between rounds of Karaoke —” bye-bye Miss American Pie”, Kubernetes instructionals, and “You’ll never walk alone”.